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I wonder why i ended up in a shitty marriage. I wonder why i put up with it for so long. I wonder why i left myself settle.

I think for myself and most women in the same situation i was in, it is because we don’t value our self worth. I think it starts that way at least, then spirals out of control when we are continuously belittled and told we are bad moms and women. One time i was told im a bad because…now get this…i was about 7 months pregnant and exhausted from a 1 year old and a 6 year old….AND I DIDNT DO THE DISHES!!! He should have divorced me immediately (insert sarcastic eye roll here). Now, the obvious response is “Why the fuck didnt he do the dishes?” but that is using common sense and we all know that doesnt work in these scenarios.

So back to why….I dont want to use the “childhood” excuse because its not a valid excuse. If i had childhood issues i didnt deal with, thats my own damn fault and i dont blame anyone else but me. With that said, having an alcoholic dad AND being a daddy’s girl REALLY did a number on me! I learned that i should “fix” and take care of alcoholics. Now my dad was NOT a bad guy at all and i still miss him EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, but he had his demons he could not battle. I felt bad for him, i recognized he wasn’t a bad person, he was in pain. And he loved me like crazy. I would go to work with him, he brought me to my bowling lessons, we went camping, he talked to me about real world stuff. He was great, and that made my need to take care of him (and eventually any alcoholic). Me and my bestie have a running joke between us “look at that homeless guy talking to himself on the corner, i could TOTALLY fix him!”

I think there were other reasons that went into it as well, like, “well if that total dickhead likes me then i must be special!”. “if that guy that talks shit about everyone thinks i am worthy of time, i must be valuable”. I could go on and on…